A New Independence

Confession: My baby girl (11 months old) is playing in her room right now with her books.  I am in the living room typing this.

Guilt is pouring through my soul, yet I am still sitting here, on my laptop, carefully listening for any sound that baby girl is getting into something that she shouldn't be.

I feel guilty that she is in a room on her own.  I feel guilty that I am not playing with her.  I feel guilty that I am not watching her.

Worry creeps into me - what if she is getting into something she shouldn't be?  What if she is going to hurt herself?

Yet I still sit here.  

You see - it has been months of baby girl not being able to leave my side for even a second.  Months of her tugging on my pant leg as I do the dishes.  Months of doing something...anything...and she wanting to do it too.  Months of her wanting to sit on my lap at all times.  Months.  And I'm tired.

You, who are moms are thinking - yes.  Exhausted.

You, who are not moms are possibly thinking - well, you have naptime.  And really - you have to play all day with a baby?  Boo hoo.

You may not realize how precious your quiet freedom is.  It is not until you are mom that you realize having a tiny person follow you everywhere isn't always ideal.  It is not until you are mom that you truly come to realize how exhausting playing with your baby all day can really be.

So I will sit here.  I will drink my coffee.  I will write.  And I am going to push away those feels of guilt.  Because finally...FINALLY...baby girl is playing on her own.  And she is happy.  She is growing in independence.

While part of my soul rejoices in my new, small amount of freedom...part of my soul also weeps for my tiny baby who is growing up so fast.

Ah..motherhood.